


Dear Dad...

by Windfall13



Series: So, about Lance... [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Bittersweet Ending, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Past Abuse, Set after seaon 7 and before season 8, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 15:25:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16956558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfall13/pseuds/Windfall13
Summary: After so many years, Lance has spoken up about his father...TRIGGER WARNINGS: Short Description of attempted suicide, verbal abuse





	Dear Dad...

**Author's Note:**

> Setting: End of season 7(season 8 doesn’t exist)

“Lance McClain?” A young, pale woman walked through the door of his hospital room. Tiredly, Lance looked over to her and then closed his book, setting it down on the table next to him.

“We, the Psychology Team, have been interviewing you paladins.” The woman dragged a chair from the nearby table. She sat down and crossed her legs, setting clipboard down and tapping her pen on it, “I’ve been getting testimonies on how you attempted suicide?”

Lance let out a heavy sigh before answering, “I did.”

The woman shuffled with her papers and wrote something down. She introduced herself, “My name is Lisa Bogs and I’m here to interview you. Although I’m curious about the events you had in space, let’s start with why you tried to kill yourself, okay?”

Lance should’ve known it was coming. He felt a chill when the doctors mentioned a psych eval. They were trying to get the paladins to reveal any issues they had so the paladins could get help.

“Living in space was hard, of course.” Lisa stated as a fact, “You were all away from family for such a long time while some of you didn’t even have families.”

Lance nodded. God his voice sounded empty, “I missed my familia, yes. It got pretty bad because I felt homesickness every day.”

Lisa wrote down some more things on her clipboard. She continued, “Did your friends treat you nicely up there? Or did they treat you badly in any way?”

“No. God no. They treated me like an equal!” Lance lied, although shocked by the question. No, they didn’t treat him nice. They did at first, but then they started to ignore him, only acknowledging his mistakes. But he didn’t want to give them a bad name. Unfortunately, Lisa pointed out his lie, “But according to some of their accounts, they say they outcasted you and treated you....’like absolute shit’, according to the short girl. And your friend, Hunk was it? He broke down when he confessed that he had been ignoring you.”

‘Hunk and Pidge. They didn’t care then but they do now?’ Lance groaned and hit his head back on the pillow. Could he really blame them? No, not really. Lance sighed. He felt like he had been sighing every damn second, “You can’t blame them all. Besides, that’s not why I killed myself. Sure, it hurt when I was pushed aside, but I knew they’d all have my back.” 

He was lying and he knew it. Why? He just didn’t want to accept the truth that they truly didn’t care about him. 

“But according to your friends, you didn’t even allow them to visit.” Lisa said, “Your doctor even said you didn’t want to see them. And you’ve also pushed them away after your attempted suicide-“

“Can we move on, please?” Lance begged. Lisa sighed, “I’m only trying to you, Mr. McClain. We need to find out-“

“Why I killed myself. I get it.” Lance snapped, “Can we just accept that did it?”

Lisa shook her head, “No. We need answers so we know how we can help you.”

With a huff, Lance answered, “Fine. That was part of the reason. Do you know how much it hurt when I was pushed aside for Pidge? They even have their own partnership while I lost my best friend. I just wanted to be accepted for once in my goddamn life. But once I realized I had nowhere to go, I knew what I had to do.”

“So you tried to kill yourself.” Lisa said. Lance hissed, “It’s pathetic that they even care now. I don’t need their fake pity.” Lance relaxed a little when he felt some pain in his abdomen, “By tomorrow, I’ll be leaving Voltron. Don’t tell them though. I don’t need some bullshit reasoning as to why I need to stay. If Keith is allowed to do it, then I’m allowed to.”

Lisa placed a hand on his knee, “They truly care about you, Mr. McClain.”

Lance swatted her hand, “Whatever. I’m not going back to them.”

Lisa wrote some more on her clipboard. Without looking up, she asked, “Is that the reason you tried to kill yourself? Because your team didn’t care about you?”

“That’s...part of the reason.” Lance took a deep breath. He was ready. He needed to tell her. He needed to tell her about his father and how his father lead him to the ultimate decision.

“What do you mean?” Lisa asked. Lance swallowed, “I didn’t really...have the nicest father.”

“Oh?” Lisa was quick to write the information down this time, like this was more important than the previous information. Lance let out a shaky breath, “Yeah...I, um...he was very controlling...and um...” He was already thinking about it: the yelling, the manipulation. He didn’t want to do this. 

“Lance, take deep breaths.” 

He didn’t realize he was hyperventilating. He kept trying to swallow the lump that was in his throat and did his best to keep in the tears that were trying to spill. 

“N-Never mind. It’s not important.” He stuttered. But it was. His father was the reason. The MAIN reason. He made Lance feel like he was nothing, like he was just a piece of shit on the side of the road.

“You can do this. Just take your time and we can resume.” Lisa placed her hand on his knee again. This time, Lance didn’t make a move to stop her. It took 5 minutes for Lance to regain his breathing pattern. He could do this. He had to do this. 

“I’ll just, um...start from the beginning.” Lance fidgeted a little. He didn’t know where to start. But he had to do this. Never had he ever talked to about what his father did. For so many years, a dark secret in his heart kept him from actually being happy, and now he was going to tell someone. 

With a deep breath, he started, “For my entire life, he wanted my family to be the ‘perfect family’ whether we wanted to or not. He forced us to smile and wear ‘normal clothes’ like ‘every white family in America.’ Like we were robots or some shit.” 

“Do you know why he did this?” Lisa asked.

“Order? Or maybe to make us look happy? It was a fucked up happiness though.” Lance sniffled, “We decided to go against his rule at some point. We decided to get our own friends, have our own passion. I used to be a great archer! Everyone...was happy…”

Lisa noticed that Lance paused. She stopped writing for a moment to look up. His tears were falling down his cheeks as he closed his eyes and he was holding his breath, probably not trying to sob. All Lisa could say before she finished writing was, “Take your time.”

Another couple of minutes later, Lance was okay. Not great, but okay. He could do this.

“Then we found out how controlling he could be. He started belittled all of us for anything we did. It probably started...when I was around 7?” Lance swallowed, but it’s followed by a short sob. Lance was too determined to stop though, ”He hated how loud I was. If it wasn’t that, he made up anything just to break me down, nit-picking everything I did.”

Lisa silently frowned as she continued to write this information down. 

“He didn’t trust anyone, especially me. He accused me of lying every time. I wasn’t a damn saint but not everything I did was bad, you know?” Lance rubbed his nose. The anger he felt made his hands physically shake. He wanted to choke his father out right now. Lance ranted, “He accused me of drugs, having sex with everything that moved and accused me of hanging out with bad people and called my friends toxic. Pidge and Hunk were the best people I have ever met. He saw that I was a disappointment. I’m not perfect, but apparently he wanted ‘perfect’.”

Lance paused as he heard Lisa copy down everything he said. Good. He needed a break. He was close to breaking down. He clenched his fists. Why was he always treated like crap? Everyone he met hated him apparently and he was turned into a punching bag. God, he was pissed. He needed to punch something, or maybe break something but that would just be something else the nurses would have to clean up. He just wanted answers. Why did everyone hate him? Why was he still alive? 

“Goddammit.” Lance murmured, “I can’t fucking do this. Why?”

Lisa kept her face stone like. She wanted to comfort him badly. This poor boy had been through so much and life didn’t seem to be getting better. But what could she do? At best, she can get Angelo arrested but without a stable judicial system, Angelo would get a slap on the wrist. Lisa’s thoughts were interrupted by Lance. This time, he was talking faster, his voice increasing in volume, “It was clear I was a disappointment and a burden to him. Everything I did and tried to do wasn’t good enough for him. Everything I did was apparently a burden on him. He made me feel I couldn’t do anything right! Why couldn’t I just do anything right in his eyes?!”

Lisa shushed him, “Sssshhhh. Take your time and talk slow. You never has to do everything for him. You only need to make yourself proud, and everyone else in your family proud.”

Lance nodded and didn’t say anything. He knew she was an amateur and she was just trying her best, and he was thankful. He sniffled and then wiped his nose, “I had depression since I was eight because of him; I started cutting when I was 12 because I started to hate myself. He trapped me in my self-doubt. I forced myself to shut up like Marco just to appease him.”

Lisa looked towards him with sad, glimmering eyes. With a humorless laugh, he said, “My ‘friends’....my teammates would be shocked to hear that I was mute at one point. But I guess I should’ve stayed mute.”

“I don’t think you should.” Lisa said genuinely, “Your voice sounds beautiful.”

When Lance laughs this time, it’s genuine but filled with sobs, “Th-Thanks, baby cakes, but I don’t think anyone else agrees.”

Lisa’s heart broke at that. Despite that though, she continued jotting down more notes. After she was done, she swallowed and forced herself to ask, “Did he go after anyone else?”

She should’ve asked something else. Lance’s fists tensed, “If it wasn’t me, it was Veronica, Marco or Luis. If it wasn’t them, it was my poor mother. She was an angel and the strong rock who didn’t dare leave her children. She withstood every insult Angelo hurled at her in order to protect us. She didn’t leave him because she didn’t want to leave us vulnerable to his attacks. She still loved him too for some reason.” Lance rubbed his hands over his face in exasperation. It was a huge wonder how his mother even stayed.

“He ruined her first marriage and he ruined all of our childhoods without even touching us.” 

Lance wiped the ongoing tears going down his cheeks, knowing it’d be futile to do so. Instead, he starts to sob. It wasn’t loud. For some reason, it was broken and quiet. It sounded so tired, like Lance was giving up. All Lisa did was awkwardly rubbed his knee to comfort him. She knew her boundaries, but she truly wanted to give him a hug and tell him all was going to be okay. So many unspoken words, yet she was only here to investigate...fuck it. She placed her clipboard next to the forgotten book Lance was reading, stood up and hugged Lance’s head close to her chest. 

The sobbing promptly stopped as Lance tried to register what was going on.

“Everything is going to be okay.” Lisa said, “Take your time, like I said. We can finish this another day, okay?”

“N-No. No.” Lance wiped away some snot, “It’s fine. I can do it. I just need...a few more minutes.”

Although the sobbing didn’t continue, Lance silently cried against the woman’s chest, holding her arm close. Lisa knew her clothes would be a mess, and she would probably be scolded for even touching Lance but to hell with it, she thought. Another 10 minutes passed and Lisa’s legs got tired, so she wedged her butt onto the table a little and picked up her clipboard again, “Whenever you’re ready, Mr.McClain.”

Lance wiped some more snot away and giggled. Lisa smiled; she was really starting to like his laugh.

“Are we really on last name basis still?” Lance asked. Lisa snorted before clicking her pen, “Whenever you’re ready, Lance.”

Lance nodded and then continued, “I tried so hard to distract myself. I clung to Allura because my friends Hunk and Pidge abandoned me, so who else was I to turn to? Everyday, I faked a smile. Everyday, I distracted myself with company just to clear Angelo’s voice out of my head. But every damn day it would get louder. I couldn’t focus. On top of that were the problems with my teammates. Keith left and he already hated me. Shiro probably hates my guts for arguing with his chosen favorite. Allura hates me, Pidge and Hunk left me behind and Coran is too much of an angel to even say he hates me. So I decided...to do it.”

“To kill yourself.” Lisa completed the statement, “Could you tell me when this was?”

“We were on a planet, getting ready to go back home. It was after Shiro regained consciousness. I was alone and my bayard was right there. I used a knife I made and swallowed a whole bunch of sleeping pills...” Lance’s voice was leveled but his face looked pale as he look down at his wrists, “God...there was so much blood.”

“Why did you do it when you were going back home?” Lisa asked. 

“Because I wasn’t wanted anywhere. I was being treated like crap there and I didn’t want to go back to the emotional abuse at home. I was a burden. Angelo taught me how to think of myself as a burden. My friends neglected me. That clone’s words didn’t leave my mind still. I was the outcast because I knew they only tolerated me. But mainly, my father’s words were in my mind. I should’ve fucking stayed dead.”

Lisa’s head perked up. This was new.

“Could you elaborate on that last statement?” 

“What?” Lance was confused, “His words were in my mind?”

“No. You died?” Lisa stated. Lance sighed, “I guess you didn’t know. I don’t know if the others do either. Or they probably don’t care.”

“No one told me.”

Lance looked out of his window, “I’m not surprised.”

“How?”

“How did I die? I took a hit for her and pretty much died in Red’s cockpit. Allura revived me after since my soul was still intact.”

Lisa could only nod at the new information. She was shocked. He died and no one cared? No. It was possible that they didn’t even know yet. 

“I just don’t know why he did it.” Lance said, his voice devoid of emotion, “Isn’t a father supposed to support his children? Isn’t he supposed to encourage them? Why? Why didn’t he stop? Why did he do it?”

“It’s possible that he had a bad past,” Lisa spoke up, “and he’s taking it out on his family.”

Lance snapped at her, “Bad past or nothing. That doesn’t give him an excuse to freely abuse us. He should’ve known that it wasn’t right.”

Lisa frowned again but wrote down the last pieces of information. Compared to the other’s info, Lance’s was the longest, and it wasn’t even about his adventures in space. That would have to wait; his mind wasn’t in the right place and it was clear he needed help.

“Thank you for telling me all this, Mr.McCla-Lance. This is really helpful.” Lisa said, pushing her chair back to the table. Lance shrugged, “Anytime.”

Lisa looked into his eyes. They were devoid of life, having cried out all their tears. He looked lost. All Lisa could hope was that one day they would fill with light again. 

“I hope we see each other again, Lance, and I hope the best for you.”

“You too.”

With no other words exchanged, Lisa walked out of the room, leaving Lance by himself once again. He wondered if it was obvious, his powerlessness that is. His father despised him and would probably yell at him again, and his teammates didn’t need him and only god knows what they’ll do once they find out he’s leaving. Laying his cheek on the window, he watches a bird soar through the sky under the sun. 

‘I wanna be like that bird.’ Lance thought lazily, ‘I just wanna fly away and never think about Voltron or my father.’

But he couldn’t, and that was the sad part. The chains wrapped heavily around his heart and he couldn’t escape them no matter where he ran.  
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‘Or so I think.’ 

Didn’t he have some people rooting for him? He was think about all the negatives that he didn’t think about the people who supported him all this time. Hell, he forgot about his strong mother and his annoying yet supportive siblings. And Lisa, the woman who came in and helped him speak up after so many years. Lance realized he wasn’t alone, but although this excited him, the thought of tomorrow scared him still. Soon his teammates would know, and there’s the matter of accepting his father again.

To keep his mind off of such things, Lance psyched himself up for his book. This time, he concentrated on finishing his book, clearing his mind of any busy thought.  
———————————————————  
Lance’s mother’s voice lulled to a hum, like it was only background noise, or at least to herself. Maria Rose Mcclain read her son’s book upon his request. She found out that he was quitting his team and she was glad. A strong inhale of a snore snapped her out of her thoughts. When she looked up, her son’s peaceful face had surprised her. It had been a long time she had seen his face so content. Normally his face was tense and stressed, eyes filled with anxiety. She smiled softly to herself before getting up to kiss Lance’s forehead. She placed his book underneath in the orange sunlight. At this time, everyone would be eating, but Maria wanted to visit her son alone. 

She knew her son would never be the same. There would be more nightmares to deal with. His PTSD and anxiety would also be issues too. But they could get through it. 

‘Recovery takes one step at a time, after all..’

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because of some personal experiences and along with the video as well. Just a little psa to those who are being currently verbally abused: No matter how many times your parents/significant other belittle you, you are worth it. Those words about how imperfect you are are not true. It’s not easy to just ignore those words or stop them from saying those words but just keep in mind that their thoughts and words about you don’t matter. You are a talented person with a potential to keep going fighting. Even now, you’re still here with so many scars, physically and mentally. You’re strong and I know you can keep fighting.
> 
> To those who try to defend the abusers, don’t excuse them for their actions. I know your excuses might be: “Oh, it was my fault. I’m such a fuck up.” or “They must’ve had some harsh experiences. It’s not their fault.” or “They take care of me so therefore their hate is justified.” Yeah, maybe there might be some mistakes you make but you’re not perfect and that’s what makes us human. And being human is a beautiful thing. 
> 
> Maybe sometimes they say, “I do it cause I love you.” That’s not love. Of course, they still love you but the words are still not justified. 
> 
> “It’s not abuse.” It is. They are mentally breaking you down to make you feel like crap. The effects aren’t physical but mental. They push people to do horrible thing. Self harm, suicide, anorexia are just a few. If you’re needing help immediately, please seek help. Find a friend, therapist, doctor or counselor or just anybody. 
> 
> Like Lance said, no one should be feeling like they can’t do something right. Because you’re here, still living. And that’s the right thing to do.
> 
> Anyway, I hoped you demons enjoyed and ✌️
> 
> Reference: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mxmGVo1Bp-Y&index=49&t=633s&list=WL
> 
> Tumblr: realwindfalltreason


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